[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
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“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
🏙👨🏼
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers