I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
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One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*