Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
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WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Got him!
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.