“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
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Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Important reminders
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*