I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
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You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters