I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
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Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.