When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
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At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”