Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
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There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…