All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
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PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Don’t we all.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”