I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
You Might Also Like
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.