You Might Also Like
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
describing stardew valley
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
I love wikipedia
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
it’s finally my moment to shine