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SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Always…
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough