If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
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Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka