I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
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Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Ok, but like, how married are you?
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Unexpected Judgment
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Finally!
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*