*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
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decorating my apartment
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Got ya covered
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Breaking news:
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.