[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
You Might Also Like
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)