i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
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10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…