Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
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I don’t hate children, just yours.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Wednesday
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂