People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
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Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”