Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
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Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
😍😂🥰😂😍
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
I put the h in mysterious.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead