*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
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Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.