I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
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Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!