why isn’t he texting back
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Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival