[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
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ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy