Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
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Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
The first matador
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too