Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
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A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
a badder mouse
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.