My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
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If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.