If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
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We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
12. I think about this all the damn time
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.