Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
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Iām going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
When they try to steal your moment.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) wonāt stop saying heās āmicrodosing pantsā whenever he wears shorts
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny š
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ātoc!ā. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The āOne Free Naughty Massageā coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someoneās birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didnāt hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
When someone asks you āwhat is it that you like about me?ā
āYouāre gluten-freeā isnāt the answer they want to hear.