It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
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I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball