Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
You Might Also Like
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”