The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
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just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
thank god the sign was there
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir