Every time my phone rings
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*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
every single time
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them