Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
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*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Get in loser we’re going crying
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.