My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
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Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket