My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
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When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name