Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
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If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
The asteroid..
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
[montage of me giving-up]
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river