*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
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Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.