pep talk
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Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Lassie, get help!
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!