Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
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Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman