Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
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When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.