I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
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Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.