Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
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Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Me when someone tries to get to know me
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Morning.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
I want what they have
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
This is my emotional support knife.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.