Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
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Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?