I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
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Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
? 💀
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.