Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
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A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
This made me smile…
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you