You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
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5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
me as a parent
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.