Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
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Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud