No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
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When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands