If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
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is there nothing we can trust anymore
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
my mind
You just read my mind
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.